10:30 a.m. Roll over in bed with a wicked hangover. Wait until I hear my roommate get in the shower before I start to whack off. Damn. Judging from the load, I need to get laid immediately.
5:00 p.m. Still have a few finals to get through, decide to head to happy hour with my buddies. Mission: get laid immediately.
5:35 p.m. Bar is filled with yappy Kappa girls. The chatter gives me mild headache but I decide to stay because most of them have enormous breasts. Push my way to the bar. The chick next to me is rambling about the new car her dad is buying her. Fantasize about sex with her with my hand over her mouth.
6:00 p.m. Girl I had a one-time fling with walks in. She looks extremely hot and completely ignores me. Decide she’s playing hard to get, make a mental note to hit on her friend.
9:30 p.m. Have no idea how much I’ve had to drink but am vaguely aware I’m leaving the bar with a mildly attractive female. Is she chubby or am I seeing double?
9:40 p.m. Realize I might score with mildly attractive chubby chick. Struggle to control my hard-on.
10:41 p.m. Sloppy tongue kissing and groping back at her room. Where the hell am I? Jesus, this chick has ridiculously large breasts. Push at her head, pray wildly she’ll give me a blow job.
10: 45 p.m. Soft sound of her hitting her knees. Score!
10:46 p.m. She swallows. DOUBLE SCORE!
10:47 p.m. In the dim light realize the girl is not mildly attractive and only chubby. Get the hell out of there.
11:00 a.m. Smugly announce to pals I got action last night.
11:01 a.m. Mortification when my bud informs me the chick I scored with is a TA in the math department.
1:13 p.m. Studying while thinking about sex with TA. Might not be so bad!
9:00 p.m. Drinking again when I should be writing a lit paper. Consider taking a shower as an excuse to masturbate.
11:00 p.m. Decide not to hit the bars due to my chem final the next morning. Wait for roommate to leave before put on Asian porn.
1:06 a.m. Pass out after jerking off twice to Asian school girl video. Still have not written paper.
10:30 a.m. Most likely have failed aforementioned final. Decide getting laid will make me feel better.
1:45 p.m. Girl at the gym is totally eye-f*cking me as she runs on the treadmill. Her jugs bounce Baywatch-style with each step. Hot. Hope she is impressed by my gleaming muscles.
1:56 p.m. Linger by the water fountain to see if treadmill girl will talk to me. I like the way the sweat runs down her cleavage. Fantasize about railing her on the gym mats. What can I say? I'm a former high school wrestling star. Gym mats turn me on.
9:00 p.m. Another night in, this time I refrain from drinking. Masturbate twice at my computer to cheesy cheerleader locker room porn.
11 p.m. Congratulate myself for actually studying several pages of foreign affairs text. Remind myself to delete cheerleader porn. I’ll never hear the end of it if my buddy finds out I jerk off to something so lame.
12:30 p.m. Lunch with ex-girlfriend from freshman year. I’m only still friends with her because I’m hoping for more break-up sex and/or to score with her roommate. She’s in SDT which always makes me think of STDs. Gross. Wonder if she got crabs from that douchebag in Pike she cheated on me with.
12:31 p.m. Wonder if she ever found out I banged her sorority sister in the bathroom during their formal.
2:30 p.m. Head over to my frat house to catch up with the boys. Begin drinking heavily.
10:00 p.m. Puke. Nachos after the 7th beer was a bad idea.
10:03 p.m. Continue drinking.
10:10 p.m. Text message girl from my chem. class to see if she’s out. Get hard when she responds she’s getting ready for a DG theme party. Rally the boys to buy beer for after hours. Sniff armpit and consider showering. Decide not to. Sex is always better when I’m a little dirty.
1 a.m. Thoroughly wasted when chem. girl arrives. She’s obviously not wearing a bra. Take her to another part of the house to “talk.”
1: 13 a.m. Decide talking is overrated. Throw myself on her, shove a hand up her thigh. When she spreads her legs I know I’ve got a green light to tear in. Thank god I strategically hid condoms in this room.
1:00 p.m. Check cell to see a late night text from an unknown number. Fear it might be from the math TA, don’t respond.
1:01 p.m. Reconsider the snub. Was she really that fugly? Continuously replay blow job scenario. So what’s if she’s a little big? Big girls like to swallow.
3:01 p.m. Look for treadmill girl at gym but all I see are crazy Alpha Phi anorexics going nuts on the elliptical machines. It’s such a turn off how those girls don’t eat.
9:00 p.m. Head to frat to get high while watching Family Guy reruns. Find out a younger brother had anal sex with a Kappa girl in the stairwell of the dorms. Curse myself silently for not being so lucky.
10:45 p.m. Drunkenly text unknown number from the previous night. No response. What a slut. Ignore text from chem. girl. Always leave ‘em wanting more!
1 a.m. Pass out with my hand on my dick.
11:20 a.m. Annoying phone call from my mother demanding to know my grades and when I’m coming home. Tune out her rant about finding a summer job and fantasize about railing my high school ex.
12 p.m. Text high school ex to see when she’ll be back in town. Decide coming home for the summer might not be such a bad thing.
12:15 p.m. Hop in shower, masturbate to the idea of anal sex with her... or any other female.
2:30 p.m. Check Facebook and get hard when I see the pics of DG’s theme party. Spend 30 minutes downloading cheerleader porn. Masturbate.
4 p.m. Spy treadmill girl at the gym, casually bump into her as we’re leaving. Turns out she just broke up with some a-hole in Pike. What is it with those losers? Silently rejoice when she tells me she’s not in a house. Sorority chicks are totally overrated and I can’t deal with all the drama that comes with dating them. Briefly discuss the bar scene with her, invite her to drink at my frat later that night.
5:05 p.m. Look up treadmill girl on Facebook and study her recent photos. Hot. Her friends are hot too. Get hard thinking about sex with her.
10:09 p.m. Bars are a mob scene. Throw back several Jager shots, head to frat to smoke.
1:07 a.m. About to text message the chick from chem when I see treadmill girl. Offer her a beer, take her to strategic condom room. Seriously aggressive kissing ensues. She has a great body but freakishly strong arms. Hmmmmm.
1:15 a.m. Interrupted by dumbass frat brother who should know better than to open the door. Can’t convince treadmill girl to come back to my apartment despite wild pleading. Vow to beat the sh*t out of frat bro next time we play basketball.
1:00 p.m. Wake up hung over and alone. Momentarily feel like a pathetic loser. Masturbate to overcome the feeling.
2:30 p.m. Grabbing lunch with friends when my highschool hottie text messages to say she’s excited to see me when she gets home next week. Score.
6:00 p.m. Last final of the semester. Notice the girl next to me has very nice, hard nipples. Thank god for excessive air conditioning.
6:03 p.m. Struggle to focus on something other than the girl’s nipples. They’re still hard.
9:00 p.m. Get high and chug celebratory beers at my frat. Booty text every female in my cell while simultaneously making mix drinks. Determined to get Michigan a$s before I leave for home.
11:00 p.m. Treadmill girl texts. She’s having a “girls night in.” WTF? Text chem. girl furiously. She better be around or I am going to lose my sh!t.
11:55 p.m. Chem girl asks if I want to come over to watch a movie. High-five buddies before hauling a$s to her place. I am totally getting laid.
12:50 a.m. Arrive to find chem. girl has consumed multiple bottles of wine with her roommate. She clumsily climbs on top of me and pulls at my belt. I’m hard like a 14-year-old who just found his father’s stash of Playboys. I rip at her shirt and flip her over so I can be on top.
12:58 p.m. Pound.
1:01 a.m. Wondering if I should be embarrassed that I came so quickly when I hear chem girl snore. Nope, no embarrassment needed. I am a satisfied man. Fall asleep next to her dreaming of highschool hottie. It's going to be a good summer.
7 acts of masturbation, 1 blow job, 2 cheerleader-gym mat fantasies, 1 episode of vomiting, 6+ booty call texts, 2acts of sexual intercourse.